East of Jesus

Yesterday morning I woke at nine, which isn't an odd thing for a Saturday morning, and got right out of bed and into the shower, which is an odd thing for a Saturday morning. After showering myself I chivvied Melissa unmercifully to get out of bed and in the shower too. The reason for such an uncharacteristic display of alacrity on a weekend morning had to do with an appointment that Melissa and I had with Mary Ann, our house hunting realtor, at ten.

We've been looking for a house to rent for two months now. The basic plan for the future is to move into a rent house and then have my house demolished and a new place built in the lot. My house sits on a wonderfully wooded lot with a number of large trees including three 200 year-old plus oaks. It's the kind of yard that you just can't find anymore, but the house is closing on fifty years old and it's been rode hard and put up wet by previous tenants, gravity, the roots of said trees and the march of time.

I'm not too worried about knocking down the house I've owned and lived in for the past eleven years as ever since buying the house in 1997 I've always thought that the lot cried out for a bigger home. The lot is about a third of a acre, on the corner of two streets, with the 1800 square foot house sitting in the back corner, leaving a back yard of about nine foot by 30 foot. Great yard in the front, but nothing in the back. Because of this I have always dreamed about a nice two story house with a big front yard and a big back yard filled with a family.

Melissa likes the idea of building our house there and she's signed on for the hardship we're going to have to take on to get ourselves there. We're going to have to get a loan for a nice big sum of money and then manage the rebuilding process, and we're going to have to do it in a year. During that year, we're going to live in a rent house, hence the odd morning wake up.

Our searching has been aided by and in many ways made much more interesting by Mary Ann, our realtor. Mary Ann is a bit hard to describe to people because she is one of a kind. If I had to guess her age I'd say she's in her fifties, but she's had so much sun and partying that she looks older than my parents, and they're in their sixties. She's stick skinny and has the types of arms that lack any sort of muscle tone, they're like floppy sticks. Finally, rounding out her otherwise stick like body are two bags of silicone that jut out of her ribs in the manner of a college co-ed. Picture a cross between the old lady in 'There's Something About Mary' with the personality of Roller Girl from 'Boogie Nights' and you're getting close. Mary Ann isn't the best at what she does but Melissa and I stick with her if for no other reason than to hear the next outrageous thing she says. Let me share a few of my favorite quotes:

"If I don't sell a house soon I'm moving to Vegas and becoming a prostitute." To Melissa as we enter the third house that we'd seen that day. Followed up with an aside to me "Do you think I'd stand a chance?"

"I gotta drive out to East Jesus today." East Jesus will now replace BFE in my parlance.

"Oh honey, this shower is made for playtime." To both of us on entering a master bathroom.

Not to mention her stream of stories about partying here or there late into the night. She's often looking like she just woke up when we see her for these house visits. Her wardrobe seems to favor the single bar crowd for the over fifty set. One one house hunt she arrived in white Capri pants, and black and white striped shirt and a black beret. It was like house hunting with a mime who didn't get the whole don't talk part. Another time we met her the top she wore was so loose fitting that I worried one of her boobs would pop out. Finally, yesterday she arrived on scene wearing only the white Capri's again and a red halter top that went up around the neck. It was obvious form nearly all angles that she wasn't wearing any undergarments.

She's a bit rude and gruff, but Melissa and I are really attached to her. We've developed an affection for our hard scrabble, hard partying ways and her cynicism for people looking for homes. Her slightly abusive manner and insistence that she is never wrong might grate on others but we both tend to over look the flaws.

We met up with Mary Ann at ten and looked at three houses. The first was huge - the biggest house we've looked at in our price range. The second house had charm, but not in quantities great enough to overcome the deficiencies. The third house was perfect in so many ways and the location really sold it to us. We're going to be half a lock from the park and not far from my property. We put down the deposit and now we're on our way to getting the lease done.

After house hunting we picked up Chelsea and her boyfriend for a round of disc golf in Hitchcock. That's for another time though as I'm going to wrap this up.